The Hogwarts Psychiatrist
by SqornshellousZeta
Summary: Under Hogwarts, there's a door that leads to the psychiatrist office. Enter and you will find what goes on when the Harry Potter characters arn't fighting Voldemort, what fangirls these days are up to and the reason Snape hates shampoo. 10th chapter!
1. The Psychiatrist has Arrived

WELCOME FOOLISH MORTALS  
  
(Pipe organ music) I own this. I live in a big pink mansion that's infested with ghost and ghouls. It's called the Evil-elf manner. If you come in to sue I foretell that you will never find the door out. Of course there is always my way... Mwahaha! I don't really even own a dime and JK Rowling owns HP.  
  
Ah yes the Hogwarts psychiatrist would like to say that each update will come once there are at least three reviews. I hope beyond hope that you will enjoy this story and I will accept flames if and only if they are constructive. This has none of that twisted romance. Will stay G or is to be moved to PG since more people tend to read PG or by chance because of possible violence. ---------------  
  
In the darkest chamber, deep underneath the castle, beside the chamber of secrets there is an unknown door and for the first time since the founders left the school it is to be opened by the most extraordinary person. Not a dark lord or a student, but a fanfiction Author! Yes a fanfiction Author has been added to the Hogwarts staff, but not as a teacher, no, as a psychiatrist.  
  
Albus Dumbledore looked down at the face of the hopeful young girl sitting on a chair in front of his desk. She had a pencil and a notebook in hand and looked ready for anything. He gave a sigh, but knew it was for the best. "Thank you for coming Evil-elf. Before you can began I must warn you that some of the students are having deep-seated grievances with the fanfiction community and the movies involving them." Dumbledore twitched as the said the word fanfiction and nervously started running his fingers through his beard. Evil-elf tried forcefully to keep from laughing.  
  
"Sir I will do all I can for the students and the staff and I promise I will help them with their problems," Evil-elf proclaimed. Dumbledore didn't seem to hear her. He was staring at Fawkes muttering "Nice birdie," very quickly. Evil-elf took it that she got the job and jotting his name down on her notebook was the first thing she did. She then stood up and made her exit, leaving Dumbledore who was now looking at an empty chair muttering "Bad Potter, bad Black, bad Lupin, bad Pettigrew."  
  
She ran all the way down to the floor level and to a newly built staircase that only Dumbledore, her and the wizard or witch with an appointment with her at the moment could see. Once entering her office she smiled. It was a comfy little room, magically lit with a desk, chair, fireplace, magical fridge (keeps food cold without a plug!) and couch. She made herself comfortable on her chair and leaned back, looking at the ceiling. Picking up her drawing book, she started drawing her favorite Harry Potter characters (mainly the marauders), but got easily bored. She pulled the door open of her fridge and took out a large pizza and started on it, before a sheet of paper fell in front of her. It was a list of her patients. The first ones name glowed bright red. The door creaked open. A streak of terror pierced her heart and she dropped her pizza. The color drained from her face as a red headed boy with a tremendously freckled face came in.  
  
Ronald Bilius Weasley. 


	2. Five Brothers, FIVE!

Yes another short chapter. The others will be longer. I should say that I do not own this, J.R.R. Tolkien does. (JUST KIDDING!)  
  
lost-broken-confused: THANK YOU!!! Yes I hope they will be just as good!  
  
mun012390: Thanks for reviewing! Here's the next chapter!  
  
Dark Lady of Slytherin: Yes I do agree that it is quite annoying, I was just seeing if I would get any reviews. Thank you for reviewing!!!!  
  
Chapter 2...  
  
The door creaked open and Ronald Weasley prowled in and threw himself onto the red cushioned couch. Seeing that it was only a student (and thankfully not Dumbledore again), Evil-elf let out a sigh and picked her pizza back up. "Hello Mr. Weasley!" she said in a false cheery voice. Ron just stared at her as if he'd rather be anywhere else. It only took him seconds to realize what she truly was.  
  
"A fanfiction author!" he screamed. "You won't get me, no, NOO!" Evil-elf amused herself by watching the redhead jump behind the couch and whimper. "Take Bill or Charlie or Percy or Fred or George, just leave me alone!"  
  
"I come in peace", said the psychiatrist as she picked her notebook up and scribbled some notes on the Weasley's poor condition. "Now what seems to be the problem other then you have bad experiences with fanfiction authors?"  
  
"My brothers."  
  
"Would that be the five you just mentioned", inquired Evil-elf.  
  
"I have a sister too."  
  
"So tell me about this problem with your brothers and sister. Lets start with the eldest and work our way down."  
  
"Well I've never really had a problem with Bill, that is until he babysat me when he was eighteen and I was four."  
  
"Mmmh uh huh yeah."  
  
"He took the job extremely seriously, so seriously that he left me at the playground, found me, went to get ice-cream, saw a girl he liked, spilled his ice-cream on me when he was busy talking to her, yelled at me when I decided to get revenge, carried me home under one arm, made me sit outside for an hour while he was trying to get ice-cream out of his hair, made me take an ice-cold bath and then he made me go to bed early and since then we haven't really made up."  
  
"Hmm hum" she nodded sympathetically and scribbled some notes down. "How about we go to the next one?"  
  
"We didn't get bad off till I was five and he was seventeen. He decided that he was going to take Fred and me to the park while George was getting a haircut. He sat me on the swing and pushed way to hard and I fell out and broke my arm. He was fascinated with the way I flew out of my swing and decided to study dragons." Evil-elf, despite her trying to be sympathetic, let out a snort, but covered it quickly with a cough.  
  
"And the next."  
  
"That would be Percy, the worst of them all. It started when I was three and he wanted to give me a lecture on the perfect principles of eating with a fork and spoon, potty training and speaking proper English. The lecture lasted three hours because everybody was to afraid of Percy at that time, nobody wanted to save me."  
  
"A seven year old talked for four hours", she asked, forgetting that she was supposed to pretend that she did not read the books. Thankfully Ron didn't notice. "Now the next."  
  
"Fred, he's two minutes older then George. I've disliked Fred since he used my pet puffskien for bludger practice, but I really hated him when he poured a potion in my pumpkin juice that turned my hair green for a week. The only person who was amused was that stupid git, Draco Malfoy, oh and Snape, he took twenty points off our house for unusual hair coloring in class."  
  
"Potion teachers have a history of being vicious towards Gryffindor students."  
  
"And my last brother is George. He's the one who almost set the Burrow on fire. It was when I was seven and we were the only ones home. He wanted to try to make dinner, I never found out what he was making, but it involved a lot of heat in the stove. He lost track of time and before long the kitchen was on fire. He ran out of the house and left me in my room. Only two minutes later I smelled smoke and alerted the ministry. George did get his though. Mum and dad made him sit in a room with Percy and listen to two hours of what not to do with a stove."  
  
"So that's all then?"  
  
"No there's also Ginny. I don't really have anything against her, well there was the one time Mum took her and me to town when she was five. She told me to watch her in the park while she shopped. Ginny saw a boy she liked and took off after him. It took mum and me two hours to find her sulking in the sandbox because she decided to kiss the kid and ended up being punched." Evil-elf could do nothing but stare at Ron. She made a mental note to stay away from Weasleys.  
  
"Well I think I have the perfect solution for you! Earplugs and Weasley-no-more, it's a potion that will give you brown hair and blue eyes." Ron looked at her as if she were queen. His mouth fell open as his hand touched the Weasley-no-more. Once he had it in his hand he sped out the door without even realizing the room outside was pitch black. Evil-elf snorted as she heard an "Ouch." 


	3. A New Hero

Yes I know, another short one. Well I promise that the next one will be both better and longer! HP belongs to Rowling and not me.  
  
HermioneBallerina: THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!! I'm glad you liked it!  
  
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Nightwing 509: Thanks!! Hope you like this chapter!!  
  
Nocturnal007: Thank you! Glad you liked it!  
  
Kathles: Thank you!! I do plan to do Snape soon. I wanted to just start off with the students for now.  
  
Thank you (yes I say it again) everyone for your reviews, they are very inspiring to update another chapter.  
  
Chapter 3...  
  
It was the next day. Evil-elf was now entertaining herself by throwing popcorn into the air and catching it with her mouth. Well. She didn't have much success with catching it. Buttery popcorn now littered the floor of her office. Occasionally she glanced at the enchanted paper on her desk, sorrowfully wishing that she had not written Albus Dumbledore on the list, even though she had a week to prepare before facing him. Finally, after hours of waiting the top name glowed red. She did a jig until she noticed the large quantity of popcorn on the floor. She grabbed her wand and made most of the popcorn disappear, leaving large butter stains in the shape of a lightning bolt. Choosing to ignore the stains, she sat behind her desk and arranged her papers to look more professional- like. Finally, the door opened and a boy, who looked like a mouse with his eyes budging out, came skipping in.  
  
"Hello, I'm Colin Creevey and I'm in Gryffindor just like Harry Potter! Harry Potter is my hero, did you know? Dennis, my brother and me were asked by McGonagall to see if this idolizing Harry is healthy. I don't see what's wrong though. Harry rocks! Come in Dennis don't be shy!" His clone walked in. The psychiatrist sat in horror as Dennis Creevey opened his mouth, which wasn't likely to close anytime soon.  
  
"Hey I'm Dennis Creevey! I'm in Gryffindor too! I met Harry just after I was sorted! It's amazing that we got to go to Hogwarts at the same time as Harry!" The kid bounced up and down at the speed of light. Both of them sported shirts with a picture of a lightning bolt and Harry Rocks written across it. "Did you know it's amazing that Colin and me ended up in Hogwarts? Yeah, we are both muggle-born. My family was very shocked when Colin got the letter. I never thought I would get into Hogwarts! Hey Colin I just thought of something! We grew up with muggles, just like Harry!!! Won't Harry love to know? Hey, did you know that it was Harry who was suspected to be Slytherin's heir? Yes it was, Colin told me he heard about it from a Weasley. Of course, Colin didn't know about it till now because he was petrified in Harry's second year! Wowwww", the terror looked at the floor to see the lightning bolt. "Do you know who that reminds me of?"  
  
"No more!!" shrieked the psychiatrist. "I forbid either of you to speak the word Harry in this office!" The Creeveys gave her looks of pure terror. How could they not mention Harry, their life ambition was to be kings of the Harry Potter fan club. "Now to get to a solution for your problems", an amused smile spread across the psychiatrist's face. "Tell me, have you ever heard of Percy?"  
  
"He's Harry Potter's best friends older brother!" squealed Colin. The psychiatrist looked at him as fierce as she could.  
  
"I'm mentioning Percy because I think he would make and ideal hero for you two. Did you know that Percy Weasley is working his way up to be minister of magic, he talks even more then the both of you combined, he'd get you a great job in the ministry even if you just pretend to be his friend and he wrote his theory on how the ministry could prevent another war at the age of seven."  
  
"Wow", chorused the brothers.  
  
"So as you see, idolizing Harry Potter is unprofitable and will bring you nothing, but a thousand fanfiction authors making fun of you. Now I will end this session with saying, stay away from the evils of obsessing about Harry Potter." With that said the Evil-elf ran out of her office as fast as she could and ran into an unexpected person. "Hello Severus! Your hair looks lovely today!"  
  
"Twenty points off Miss Elf."  
  
"Err ok." She watched the grumpy teacher sweep past her and then heard the noise she most dreaded.  
  
"Hey Colin I think she went this way! We have to think her for her help. Who knew idolizing Harry was unhealthy." Evil-elf let out a scream and fled. She dodged behind the statues until she came to a door that she believed was safe to enter. She entered it to find herself in the teachers lounge with Dumbledore who was talking sinisterly to a quill. She sped out of the room and almost ran the Creevey brothers over. She ran till she was back inside her office. She then locked the door and canceled all appointments for that day. 


	4. Finding Your Happy Place

Well I think its longer then the last one. Anyway I just wanted to say thank you everyone who found that unfortunate mistake. Colon should have been Colin. Sorry and I will fix it in a minute. I don't own two galleons to rub together.  
  
Blah Blah Blah: Thank you!!! I hope you'll like this chapter!  
  
viv: Thanks!  
  
ash vault rose garden: Thank you! Yes traumatized does seem to fit Ron.  
  
Fireblade K'Chona: Yes thank you for pointing it out! Sad thing is that I almost spelled Dennis, Denise by accident.  
  
Demonlord Uni: Hahahaha That would be great.  
  
Violet Rose1: Thank you!! I thought it was funny...  
  
Nahadria-Lealonde: Thank you!!!  
  
Lovley: One: No flames. If you don't like it then don't read it. Two: The deal is I am high and mighty. I rule this fanfiction. It is mine. Three: Insanity is the air I breath, the life breath of my soul. Four: Ron needed the potion. It helped him. Five: Albert will barbeque a hamster with your flame. Goodnight.  
  
Remus Lupin's Lover: Yes I just noticed that. I will fix it when I get the chance. LOL.  
  
Chapter 4...  
  
Evil-elf was to be found again in her office the next day, trying to recover from the previous day's events. She picked her notebook and pencil up and started to draw humorous pictures of Voldemort. 'Aw Tommy Riddle like the cowboy hat. Of course widdle Tommy like hat!' She laughed sinisterly as she tossed her book aside and looked at the list of her patients. The top name slowly turned from black to scarlet. Moaning, she jumped out of her seat and pushed all the junk that was on the couch, to the floor and then kicked it under the couch. She then sat back on her chair and waited and waited. She glanced over to her clock, which was nailed to the wall, beside the door and over a humongous tree frog painting. Three o'clock turned to three five to three ten and so forth. Evil-elf, having a very short attention span, found that she couldn't wait any longer. She pushed the door open and walked out into the darkness. Once finding the door, she marched up twenty rows of stairs till she came to the ground floor. The school seemed deserted. She marched up to the Bloody Baron who was aimlessly floating with his nose buried in a book. Without even looking up, the ghost pointed her to the door. She nodded and made her way out of the school. Upon entering the outside world, something Evil-elf had not seen for a while, she heard a wave of cheering. "A Quidditch match", she muttered angrily. This of course was not enough to stop the determined psychiatrist.  
  
Draco Malfoy soared through the air after the snitch. Finally, for the first time ever, he would beat Potter in a match. He stretched his hand out after it. He could reach it. He felt his fingertips touch the smooth surface of the golden ball. "Aaaaiiiiieeeee!!!! The Slytherin looked back in horror as a strange girl wearing jeans and a bright orange shirt came shooting towards him on one of the school brooms. She grabbed the tail of his broom and gave a triumphant shriek, which was drowned out by Slytherin hisses and "no fairs!" Once she pulled the broom to the ground, she dragged the crying Draco Malfoy by the collar of his robes to her office. He sat on the couch and moaned about his unfair life and the psychiatrist gave him a tissue.  
  
"I'm never going to win at Quidditch. I try and try and try. P- Potters a-always going to beat me", the blonde Slytherin cried.  
  
"It's a curse Draco. The snitch knew that you'd be late for you psychiatrist appointment and decided to punish you for it." Draco glared at her.  
  
"I don't find that funny you-you fanfiction author!"  
  
"Whatever. Now, to get to business, I was told my McGonagall to help you with your Anti-Harry problem. Why do you hate Harry so much?"  
  
"Its more the fact that he exists."  
  
'Now where have I heard that before?' she thought to herself. "Have you ever tried finding your happy place when you're near Harry?"  
  
"There is no happiness, there is only power and those to weak to seek it."  
  
"Let try to find it this way, what is your favorite thing on earth?"  
  
Draco's face turned a tomato-red. "Why should I tell you?"  
  
"Because I'm a psychiatrist and I have powers beyond what you can comprehend and because reviewers would like to know your secrets."  
  
"Oh, wait a minute...never mind. I like flamingos, but if you tell anyone you will pay.  
  
'Flamingos', the word passed her mind at least twenty times before she could believe that Draco had indeed said it. "Well and what's your favorite place?"  
  
"Iceland."  
  
"Now can you imagine a bunch of flamingoes flapping around in Iceland?" Draco nodded and closed his eyes. He could see it. A smile appeared on his face. "Now just keep that vision the next time you run into Harry.  
  
"I will do it! And I will be a success." Draco jumped up. "Thank you, err, but don't tell anyone anything or I'll curse you to resemble a Weasley."  
  
"I will not mention it then!" Draco skipped out of the room and up the staircases and running into Harry.  
  
"What do you want Malfoy?"  
  
"Flamingoes in Iceland. I can see them now. They are pretty."  
  
The psychiatrist threw herself down on her chair. Another problem has been sorted out. She looked down at her magical paper and almost screamed. Tomorrow would not be so lucky. 


	5. The Deadly Shampoo Part: 1

Hello! Hey its 1:25 in the morning and the night is still young so I decided to write another chapter! I hope you like this one, its longer then the others. I will wait to post it so I can read through it when it isn't so late or so early. However you put it. Please review! This is the longest chapter yet.  
  
Welcome stranger, but remember, I don't own this; I'm just a member, For those who flame, who like to burn, Must pay dearly in their turn, So if you seek beyond the song, Please review for these chapters take long, But flamers you have been warned, beware, Of finding more then insanity there.  
  
mun012390: Wow! THANK YOU!!!  
  
Fireblade K'Chona: IT'S...  
  
Destiny13: Thank you!!!  
  
Chapter 5...  
  
Footsteps. They approached the door. She could feel her heart jump into her throat. Icy shivers went through her like lightning. She heard a noise, a noise like a clock that has been stuffed with cotton. Thump. Thump. Her face turned paper white. The door came open and she let out a scream as the shadow of darkness floated in.  
  
The shadow of darkness, formally known as Professor Sniv-uh-hum Snape, had come by Dumbledore's commands. The ministry had sent a health inspector to inspect the school not to long ago and the eccentric Headmaster was told that the only unhealthy thing in the castle was Snape himself. Snape was not amused. Only two days later, he found himself on his way to the psychiatrist office to discuss his shampoo, soap, water, tub and shower phobias. He opened the door to hear a shriek and yelled out of shock as well.  
  
The pounding of her beating heart could only be matched by the pounding of drums at a rock concert. She looked upon the shadow of darkness. Stench filled her nostrils. Grease dripped from his hair. Lice clouded her vision. She found herself in a dark room. Shaking with fear, she looked around. She saw a bright light. "Don't follow the light", she gasped. She pulled herself away from the brightness and found herself back in a room with the evil potions master. Still feeling nauseous, she pulled a cloth over her nose, hoping to keep some of the stench out. "Well good morning Snape", she managed to gasp. "What are you in for?" She felt as if she had asked the most obvious question on earth.  
  
"The Headmaster seems to think that I do not bathe enough."  
  
"When was the last time you took a bath?"  
  
"Why would I waist my time taking a bath when I could spend it teaching the next generation the art of potion making."  
  
"You've never taken a bath?"  
  
"Not since I can remember."  
  
"May I be so bold to ask why?"  
  
"I have no reason to tell."  
  
"You will unless you want a group of rabid, Snape-loving reviewers set out on you. I have powers beyond what puny potion masters can comprehend. Or of course I could lock you in a room with Percy Weasley and...  
  
"It started when I got a fear of shampoo. My mother liked the smell of shampoo and thus poured it unto goblets and set them up all over our house and one night when I went to bed, it attacked. The goblet that was set on the shelf over my bed tipped over and tried to drown me in thick, strawberry, syrupy shampoo. My mother claimed that it was an accident, but I knew from then on that shampoo was evil and fatal." Snape hung his head in shame. Grease dripped onto his lap. "That Potter always had clean hair. It's not fair. Nobody ever understands me. Everyone hates me because I'm the evil potions master and I smell. They don't care to even try to make friends with me and at least try to ignore the way I smell." Evil-elf decided to be a bit more sympathetic towards him.  
  
"Well let's start on the road to recovery. Snape I'm going to conjure a bottle of head and shoulders shampoo and you are going to sit calmly and hold it for five minutes." Evil-elf then reconsidered this. Knowing Snape, he was sure to curse the bottle before the five minutes were over. She had to try. Whipping out her wand, she transfigured a picture of Weasleys, with holes in it, unto a hole-free bottle of shampoo. Snape took it with shaking fingers. Without two minutes having gone by the Hogwarts teacher had screamed at it, thrown it across the room, used the killing curse on it, used a charm the psychiatrist didn't quite catch, but knew it sounded painful on it and stomped on it. "Well at least you are venting your anger out on something other then Harry." Snape smiled a satisfactory smile and sat back down on the couch. "Now Snape, lets try another approach. For every proved reason that shampoo is evil, I want you to throw a dart at this picture of Harry." She pulled out a Harry Potter poster and taped it to the wall. "If you can not come up with five proved reasons that shampoo is evil within the next ten minutes, then you have to take a shower. For every dart you miss, you have to think of another reason. If you can then you will never have to be bothered about it again." Snape picked up the pile of darts beside him.  
  
"Reason one is because it attacked me in my youth." He let the first dart fly and hit Harry on the nose. "Reason two is-uh is it smells funny!" The next dart hit Harry's glasses. "Reason three is that those filthy marauders used shampoo." This dart hit Harry's scar. The poster Harry was screaming for his life. "Reason four is um well-uhhh", he glanced at the clock, one minute left. "Reason four is-umm some shampoos are pink!" The next dart hit Harry's chin. "Reason five is-uhh..."  
  
"DING", cried the psychiatrist. "You have to take a bath!" she sang. Snape fell to the floor and cried. "Now go and I expect to see you tomorrow clean and with clean clothes." Snape sobbed as he exited the room and climbed the stairs. Once he entered the great hall he walked past Harry. The boy-who-lived watched as his professor and enemy sob and walk towards his quarters. Harry shook his head feeling very scared and skipped off to tell Hermione and Ron.  
  
Evil-elf gagged in disgust as the made the grease disappear. At least it would be worth having to endure close to half an hour with Snape to see how he looked the next day. Though she wondered if the shampoo would do any good. It first had to reach his hair to clean it. She sighed, leaned back on her chair and looked at the poster at Harry who was glaring at her. She then slowly fell asleep and into a dream about clean potion masters, an individualized Weasley, Creeveys without Harry, a happy Draco and the boy who lived running for his life from darts. It was a good dream. 


	6. The Deadly Shampoo Part: 2

Extremely short chapter. Do hope you review though. Do enjoy! Oh yes... summer's almost here!!! Pure bliss. Ahhhhhh. Can't wait!  
  
I don't own the characters or the school.  
  
Leha: Flamingoes in Iceland rock! Thanks for reviewing.  
  
ash vault rose garden: Yes I know I update really fast. The real world is definitely not as interesting as writing strange stories. I can't IM people, sorry, but I will be sure to update lots when I have time!  
  
HermioneBallerina: Thank you! I will try to read it when I have the chance. I'm extremely busy with end of the year homework.  
  
Fireblade K'Chona: I will sometime! The next victim will be...  
  
mun12390: Wow!!! LOL!!!  
  
Blah Blah Blah: Thank you! PINK FLAMINGOS ROCK!!  
  
Destiny13: Hahaha. Thank you!!! I'm a fellow Megan too!  
  
Chapter 6...or is it 5...  
  
The sun rose over the distant mountains surrounding the castle. A far off rooster crowed and students began their next day at Hogwarts. Of course the newest addition to the school staff neither saw nor heard any of it. She was far deep under the school, waiting for the potions professor. She took a sip of her chocolate flavored coffee and looked to her clock. Ten till. She then pulled out her Return of the King book and began reading for the thirtieth time. Ten minutes later at the precise time there came a knock at the door. A huge smile crossed her face. "Come in!" she said just waiting to see how Snape really looked. The door opened and a man in his mid-thirties came in. He had short blonde hair with elegant curls in it. He was wearing washed green and silver robes and smiled to reveal white non-crooked teeth. The only thing about this man that linked to Snape was his nose that was still somewhat big, but not humongous.  
  
"How do I look?" The psychiatrist mouth was hanging open.  
  
"B-blonde curly hair?"  
  
"Yes it seems that blonde was the real color. Once I washed it, all the black greasy color came out and slowly turned blonde and curled. My head feels so much lighter! Oh and I also brushed my teeth for the first time this month. I used a little magic to repair all the damage that was done to them. I felt so confident with my new look that I went and bought new robes! My first class today is fourth year Huffelpuffs and Ravenclaws. I plan to show them my new look first."  
  
"Wow," Evil-elf said, trying not to faint. "So you don't fear shampoo anymore now?"  
  
"No I love the stuff. I'm thinking on having today's potions class on how to make shampoo! I love shampoo. To bad we had to get rid of Lockheart. I could ask him what brand he uses. Well I have to go now. Got a class to teach!"  
  
Evil-elf hit her head against her desk. She may have gotten the dirtiest and greasiest teacher to take a bath, but she created a Gildroy Lockheart the second. Letting out a sigh, she picked her book back up. After two hours of reading she checked her watch. Five minutes till lunch. Maybe she should go upstairs to eat with the rest of the school. She argued with herself for quite a while until she made herself get up and go to the world above the ground.  
  
Harry sat at the Gryffindor table and began eating his lunch. He looked over to the Creevey brothers. They weren't looking at him. Something was not right. He shook his head choosing to ignore to strange actions of the brothers and turned to the entrance of the great hall and waited for Ron and Hermione. Hermione was the first to come down and was accompanied by a boy with brown hair and blue eyes. The psychiatrist watched this with an amused and twisted smile. 


	7. Inside Headquarters

Finally, a turn in the story! Hope ya'll like! Yes I will go back to my psychiatristing (that isn't a word is it?) I'm just doing a little side-plot. AHH My sister is trying to give me a pickle! NOOOOOO!  
  
I don't own the characters or the school. Fangirls here are portrayed evil. Please do not be offended, but through their eyes fangirls probably are. Thank you to you totally awesome reviewers!!!  
  
Blah Blah Blah: More insanity Mwahahaha!  
  
Destiny13: I will fight the urge to make an army of Lockharts!  
  
ash vault rose garden: Hanktay ouyay!!! (Original reply aye?)  
  
lost-broken-confused: I always thought Snape was a Lockhart at heart...  
  
HermioneBallerina: Thanks! Haha. I plan to try to add as many characters as I can!  
  
Evil-elf was sitting sluggishly in her office later that day and reflecting on why she was much to lazy to paint the walls something other then their dark green color. She reached under her desk and carefully pulled out something she wanted no one here to know about ever. It was a laptop computer. Once she made it to the Internet she typed Fanfiction.com on the search bar and was magically taken to another world. She was much to far deep into a story to realize that her mystical paper had written a message. After five minutes the paper got impatient and squirted glowing red ink at the psychiatrist. The ink splattered against her white shirt and she turned to glare at the innocent looking parchment. She picked it up to read its message.  
  
Dear Evil-elf  
  
We are organizing a defense against the fangirl community. We would like you as a spy to join us ASAP. You can find us by first going to Moaning Myrtles bathroom. There you will find Harry who will open the entrance to the chamber of secrets. Once down there he will take you to our headquarters. Hope you make it and will help fight for our cause.  
  
Sincerely, the poor souls who have been tortured by fanfiction, fangirls and fanartists.  
  
Without question, the psychiatrist was up and out the door. In her opinion, it would be much easer to blast the wall outside her office because the chamber was just next-door, but she decided against it in fear that she would lose her job. She made it upstairs and checked her watch. The students should be at dinner now. She casually walked to the haunted bathroom and saw Harry himself sitting at the doorway. He nodded, opened the door and hissed at the sink. Evil-elf jumped in surprise as the sink opened to reveal a tunnel. Harry then jumped down it yelling "WATCH OUT BELOW YEHAAA!" The psychiatrist uncertainly lowered herself down until she was hanging by her fingertips with her back against the wall. She let go and slid down a long dark tunnel. She hit the ground to see a huge red and gold carpet underneath her. Harry helped her up and they went down a very long tunnel until they came to a door. The psychiatrist gently pushed the door open and looked inside.  
  
"Do you have a ten?"  
  
"Go fish."  
  
"That's absurd! You asked me for a ten only five minutes ago and you didn't lay any tens down!"  
  
"Yes I did! You just didn't see them you nitwit."  
  
Severus Snape, Remus Lupin, Draco Malfoy, Fred Weasley, George Weasley, the new and improved Ron Weasley and another man were seated around a large round table playing go fish. Along the walls around them there were huge maps with little red darts on them. On the wall across from her there was a banner with 'Tracking fangirls across the globe community' written on it. Snape was now glaring at Lupin who was accused of hiding his tens.  
  
"You haven't been playing without me?" Harry growled walking toward the arguing group. They cowered under his gaze.  
  
"It was Sirius's fault, he wanted to keep going." Ron muttered. The psychiatrist gave a yell of surprise as she realized who the man was. The group looked at her.  
  
"I thought you were dead!" she gasped.  
  
"They sent me back as Sirius the beached clothes." He took off his jacket to reveal a blinding white T-shirt.  
  
"Lets get back to the point, shall we?"  
  
"I told you it was Sirius's fault! Blame him."  
  
"Lupin you hid those tens so they are rightfully mine."  
  
"No they are not you overgrown bat!" Fred and George burst into laughter. The psychiatrist gave a sigh, sunk into a couch, which was against the wall and waited until the game was over.  
  
"Will you two please be quiet? It is my turn!" The psychiatrist turned to see Tom Riddle enter the room. The psychiatrist watched wide- eyed as he seated himself between Sirius and George. "Fred do you have a two?" Fred growled as he unhappily handed his card to Tom. "Hahaha I win again. Who da man? Voldemort is da man!" Snape ran his hand through his golden curls while trying to contain himself from killing the future dark lord. 


	8. Hot Stuff Incorporated

They must fight for what they believe in! No offence to anybody for I too am writing this for pure amusement. Last day of true school for me!! Yaahoooo!!! Super thanks to Reviewers!  
  
Fireblade K'Chona: Here it is!!!  
  
lost-broken-confused: Haha. Voldemort the go fish champion. I knew it was his game.  
  
SodapopC: Thank you!!!  
  
Gyre: Hahaha just found out what that meant.  
  
huckin-cupcakes: Thank you to ya both.  
  
mun012390: Thanks  
  
HermioneBallerina: Haha I just got a good idea for Hermione's.  
  
Destiny13: The war has begun...  
  
Blah Blah Blah: Thank you! I like sooo totally rock! (Pulls out mirror and looks at herself like Lockhart).  
  
Sirius stood at the end of the table and called for attention. Severus Snape, Draco Malfoy, Fred and George Weasley, Remus Lupin, Ron Weasley, Harry Potter and Tom Riddle all turned to look at the man with the brightest T-shirt. That is of course how he became the leader of the group. He had the brightest T-shirt, though Snape's closely rivaled it, but the sight of curly blonde headed, bright T-shirted Snape took a while to get used to be the other members. Sirius began his first meeting speech with...  
  
"We need a name." And thus the first war began. It was man against man against psychiatrist. Some like Snape; well actually only Snape wanted the Strawberry Shampoo Society. Draco wanted the Order of the Snake, but everybody who was Gryffindor in the room turned that down. It also made them suspicious on how much Draco knew about the Order of the Phoenix. Harry wanted the I Hate Voldemort Club, but it hurt Tom's feelings. The three Weasley children wanted the Quidditch Killers of the Fangirl Community, but that was a bit childish so said Snape. The Psychiatrist wanted Hot Stuff Incorporated as a joke and that it stayed for some reason that nobody could understand. Now with a name Hot Stuff Incorporated officially began their first meeting.  
  
"Protagonist, static and antagonist characters, we are gathered in this underground room for one reason and that one reason is that we must destroy the fangirl community with our spy, do not be alarmed she is not evil, Evil-elf. For far too long these fans have tortured us. It time that we fight back. We must bring the spirit of the Harry Potter characters back! There may be a time when we fail. A time when we forsake our cause and break all bonds fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of wolves..."  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"Oops sorry. An hour of fangirls, fanartist, fanfiction writers and filmmakers as we fail and become slaves to their amusement, but it is not this day!  
  
"Sirius don't you think your getting a bit carried away?"  
  
"No I'm not! As I was saying... It is not this day. This day we fight! We have a right not to be made fun of. We have lived through and seen things that few have lived through and how do we get repaid? We get tortured by fangirls. We are puppets to their amusement and their twisted minds. If we destroy the fangirl community then we will have destroyed the largest group of filmgoers'. It is time we take a stand. So I say stand men and psychiatrist of the wizarding community."  
  
Meanwhile, during this speech, the Weasley twins were discussing the profits of their sales with Tom. Draco, Ron and Harry were having a three person staring contest. Snape was looking at a mirror and Remus, one of the few who bothered to listen to Sirius, was eating a chocolate frog. The psychiatrist too was listening to Sirius's insane ramblings while reading her Return of the King book again. Once Sirius finished his speech, a small note fell from the sky and landed on the top of Snape's golden curls. Snape picked it up and started reading it.  
  
Dear Cuddlemuffins (the group gagged.)  
  
We, the fangirl community want to discuss you the terms of your war. Please meet us at the entrance of the Leaky Cauldron. Oh and bring Oliver, Bill and Charlie with you. They have fans too you know.  
  
Love, the fangirl community who love to torture you  
  
"This is good," Sirius said, his mouth dry and all the blood drained from his face. "We'll send Evil-elf as a spy once she's done with tomorrow's appointment." The psychiatrist agreed to this and slowly the group dispersed. Each and every one of them had a look of pure dread and fear. "I wonder if they're watching us?" Sirius wondered out loud. 


	9. Harry and TimeTurners

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... Just kidding. OK. Howdy. I don't own anything that is recognizable. Ooooh I learned a new word today... Well hope ya like! The original version of this chapter will never be read since I accidentally pressed a button and all the paragraphs got all messed up. 49 reviews! Just one more and it'll be FIFTY!!! Just wanna say here that the evil fangirl thing is not meant to be offensive.  
  
ash vault rose garden: Thanks!!! : )  
  
Red Roses2-chan: Hahaha! Sirius mind works in strange ways, but he does say he's sorry for calling those who brought him back to life evil and gives you all bring-back-to-lifers a big hug.  
  
Fireblade K'Chona: Hahaha. Sirius Black! We're watching you... There is no escape!  
  
Destiny13: Thank you!  
  
The Psychiatrist settled herself back on her chair the next day. Tonight would be the night that she would have to pretend to be a fangirl. She shivered at the mere thought of it and swore that she would have her revenge at this Hot Stuff Incorporated for making her go. She picked a dart up and threw it at her Harry Potter poster before looking at her watch. Five minutes over time! Letting out a growl, she opened her door to look out. All she could see was darkness. Grabbing and lighting her wand, she walked outside. "Hello," her voice echoed. It was fun. "Aloha" -loha-oha-ha-a. "I am Evil-elf and I eat hobbits!" –eat hobbits-at hobbits–hobbits-obbits. Without warning, another voice sounded from the deep.  
  
"I'm James Potter and I'd like to join in eating hobbits." - eat hobbits-at hobbits–hobbits-obbits. Her mouth dropped open as she backed up into her office. She watched as four boys came in after her. The first one to enter was a scrawny teenager with messy black hair and glasses. He had a broken time-turner around his neck. The next one was strangely familiar. Familiar, It was Sirius Black. Next entered Remus Lupin and then, the psychiatrist expression became a glare, Peter Pettigrew. James Potter stared at her. "Who are you?"  
  
"Evil-elf."  
  
"Is that your real name? That would be even worse the Severus Snape, though I don't have anything against names, I mean my friends names are like Sirius and Remus. I wonder if those are in a name book... Oh and I'm James Potter, quidditch chaser and boyfriend of Lily Evans"  
  
"Hey Remus is in a name book, it means fast moving..."  
  
"You don't have to blab about your personal life everywhere James. I see why Lily thinks you have an extraordinary large head. Hey you broke the time-turner! Now we don't know where we are. We are doomed! Hey I smell food!" Sirius spotted the magical fridge and his mouth began to drool. "Wow it's like...like wow."  
  
"You don't mind sharing any do you?" Peter asked timidly. Sirius gave him a look that plainly said keep away.  
  
"We are precisely twenty years into the future. There's a calendar on the wall. Where are we I don't remember seeing this place. We must be somewhere under the school. Sirius stop eating her food that's not polite! I'm Remus Lupin. He who is eating your food is Sirius Black. Please don't curse him; something's wrong with him that not even we can figure out. That's Peter Pettigrew. We just had an accident with a time-turner as you can tell. Can you tell us where we are?"  
  
"We're under the school like you said brilliant" said James.  
  
"Your in the psychiatrist office" she said while giving Peter a look of pure hatred.  
  
"A psychiatrist!" James and Sirius fell on the floor laughing. Remus rolled his eyes and sat on the couch, examining the poster of Harry, which did nothing, but glare at people because its only purpose was to be a dart bored for angry patients. Peter looked around uncomfortably before taking a seat on the couch by Remus. Suddenly the psychiatrist heard footsteps.  
  
"Hide!" she yelled and directed them into a closet full of psychiatrist notepads. The psychiatrist tried to look natural as she opened the door, but it was too much like icing on the cake. Entering the room was Harry Potter, the boy with many problems. The psychiatrist heard some faint shuffling from her closet, and quickly started a conversation. "So Harry, what is the problem?" Harry sat on the couch and sighed.  
  
"None of the girls here like me any more, I completely ignored Ginny and now she hates me so everybody now thinks I'm a dork, Voldemort is out to get me though he right now is Tom Riddle and we have to fight on the same side to defeat the fangirls, Sirius totally ruined everything when he came back to life and every one stopped feeling bad for me, Hermione is starting to stalk the ministry until they give house-elves houses, Ron is obsessed with his new look and stopped talking to anyone unless he's at a meeting, I swear I saw my dad down here a second ago, I really think hallucinating, Draco won't fight with me anymore so I have nobody to vent my anger on, Snape is acting really freaky, the captured death-eaters have escaped and I am getting acne. I normally have more problems, but now that Umbridge is gone, the Cho thing is over and the Creevey brothers are leaving me alone. I just wish I could talk to my dad. I wonder if the infamous James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and that bloody traitor had as many problems as I do? Though I will never be able to talk to dad again, I could talk to Sirius or Remus when I get the chance. I wont be able to stand it if Sirius were to die again in our fight against fangirls. I wish I could kill Tom for what he did to my parents, but you all wont let me. It's not fair. Hey is that a chicken sandwich on the floor, It looks part eaten. I should add to my list that my psychiatrist eats chicken you see I don't like chicken since the house-elves went on strike and made us hunt our own chickens in the forbidden forest and that will be under the whole thing about Dumbledore starting to talk to inanimate objects." Harry looked at the psychiatrist to see she was no longer seated. She walked over to her closet and opened her closet door. Four teenagers fell out.  
  
"He's all yours," she said to the one that looked just like Harry. "James Potter meet your son Harry Potter and please, I beg you, help him." The psychiatrist then rushed out the door. Harry watched her leave and then looked at his father with a look of shock on his face. After staring at his father for ten seconds, he fainted. The first thing he saw when he woke up was the poster of himself on the wall with little holes in it. So the psychiatrist was out for him too. He looked over to where his father was and calmed down a bit.  
  
"Why aren't you dead?" James looked very suppressed. Was he dead in the future? The question was unanswered because the psychiatrist returned. She took a deep breath and looked at Harry.  
  
"The meeting is in five minutes. I have to get ready to pretend to be a fangirl." The marauders and Harry shivered at the word. "You four can follow Harry if you like. I should tell you now that these are dark times. We are in a war against obsessed fangirls. The army of wizards I am helping out are called Hot Stuff Incorporated. You can join and help us if you like, but I must warn you that there is a great risk involved."  
  
"For as long as the wizarding world carries this burden, you have my wand" James stood proudly beside a freaked out Harry.  
  
"And my wand" Remus joined James.  
  
"Mine too!"  
  
"They want to ruin the fates of us all scared one, but if it is indeed part of my future, then the marauders will see it done" Sirius stood by Harry.  
  
"Wow" James looked around. "We're like a fellowship..."  
  
"The fellowship of the hot stuff!" And thus the marauders joined Hot Stuff Incorporated and called them selves the fellowship of the hot stuff. Harry didn't quite get his problems sorted out, but there are always future chapters... 


	10. Disguises and Battles

Welcome to the tenth and weirdest chapter. Once the war is over, if it ever is, things will go back. I don't own anything. Have fun reading! Review please!  
  
huckin-cupcakes: LOL! Thanks! Interesting review! It's like a wrestling match!  
  
ash vault rose garden: Thank you! I admit that I'm obsessed with LOTR. Won't add too much of it into the story though. Have fun torturing Peter, but don't kill him just yet. I think Harry or Remus should have the honor of doing that!  
  
Fireblade K'Chona: Hahaha. Thanks!  
  
10th Chapter...  
  
Dressed in a bright pink T-shirt, jeans, red painted fingernails and a lime green belt, the psychiatrist raced down the muggle street till she came to the Leaky Cauldron. Guarding the entrance were five fangirls. They were making sure only Hot Stuff Inc. or other fangirls could enter. Evil-elf quickly played with her hair, trying to make it more fangirl like. Finally she put her short light brown hair in two ponytails that stuck out from each side of her head. She gathered up her strength and approached the group. "Hello I'm a fangirl and I am so in love with the Harry Potter books!" she said in a high-pitched, very irritating, fake British voice.  
  
"Hello my name is Crazy4Harry, the group that we found out is called Hot Stuff Incorporated should be here soon. The will come to discuss the terms of the war. All we know now is that if we win the war we get to keep torturing them, but if they win we have to disappear back into the muggle world. What is your fanfiction name?"  
  
"MadlyNLuvWithHarry."  
  
"Welcome MadlyNLuvWithHarry! You may go inside now. They should be here any minute." The psychiatrist peered inside the wizard pub to see it crowded with fangirls and their computers. Hot Stuff Incorporated should be here in about half an hour. Her job was to find an easy exit for them and to find out what the fans were planning. She ordered a butterbeer and looked over to the wall, wishing herself to disappear back into her Hogwarts office. She was thrown out of her daydreams as she realized what she was looking at. A wanted picture of herself was placed on the wall. She read it out loud to herself, hardly believing that they knew about her. "Wanted Evil-elf psychiatrist, spy for Hot Stuff Incorporated. If found, bring to Fangirl headquarters, dead or alive." Now she was happy she had a disguise. She checked her watch. Ten minutes till.  
  
"I can't wait for them to be here! I am like so in love with Sirius! EEECK!" Evil-elf looked behind her to see three fifteen to seventeen year olds jumping up and down screaming. She had an idea.  
  
"What are we planning to do when they come?"  
  
"Lock them up and hug them and tell them that they will never win and make them except defeat and then let them go and keep writing fanfiction about them! Also our leader wants to see Harry Potter for some reason."  
  
"I don't think they will except defeat just because you hug them. I believe that Sirius will be quite pleased to get lots of hugs."  
  
"Didn't you hear? We are going to send them into our world of fanfiction. We had our spies from Hogwarts come and one of them had with them a computer capable of sucking them in and then we will take control of what happens next! She is the leader of the fangirls. Of course we won't do anything awful, only stuff like sending giant spiders after Ronald and stuff like that." As if on cue, the psychiatrist heard a squeal outside and rushed to the door. Silence crept over the pub. Come towards the door was Snape, with golden hair and bright robes on. Once they recognized him, the fangirls frantically ran towards the Slytherin potions master, but before they could reach him, twenty other figures appeared from the shadows. No, they were not Hot Stuff Incorporated; they were death-eaters with their wands out. They psychiatrist stood up and cheered; Tom Riddle must have sent them. As the sun slowly set behind the muggle buildings, the strangely deserted muggle street was illuminated by stunning spell flying towards the fangirls. The psychiatrist ran out the back of the pub into Diagon Ally where the rest of Hot Stuff Incorporated sat waiting for her.  
  
"Great plan! Here's what they're trying to do, they want to lead ya'll into a magical computer and send at ya'll your worst fears, to make you all give up." She stopped as they heard footsteps coming their way. "They got the death-eaters and Snape already."  
  
"Well we have nothing left to do, but fight", Sirius said as he looked bravely at the entrance to Diagon Ally from the pub. The psychiatrist looked around the brave group who were willing to risk their lives to destroy the greatest evil known to wizards, when she noticed something.  
  
"Where's Harry?"  
  
"I haven't seen him all day", Remus answered as the looked fearfully at the brick wall hoping that Harry wasn't on the other side. Without warning the wall burst open and Hot Stuff Incorporated grabbed their wands and started shooting spells at the thousands of fangirls rushed out of the entrance. Thunder rumbled from the sky and rain started to pour. Lightning flashed over the battling group. Evil-elf looked over her shoulder to see Tom Riddle blasting away five fangirls at once, before being attacked by twenty. She looked around to see forty of them surrounding her. The rain had made their makeup smear so they had a strange resemblance to orcs. Lifting her wand she was about to yell out a spell before she felt a curse hit her and throw her in a dark ally between two buildings. The last thing she saw before she fainted was Draco falling to the ground and Charlie Weasley yelling a battle cry.  
  
Evil-elf felt the rain fall on her face. She opened her eyes and checked her watch. She had been out of it for three hours. Faintly voices came to her ears. Fearing that it was more fangirls, she lay still and pretended she wasn't there.  
  
"We came to late. They are probably being tortured by now."  
  
"We have to go save them."  
  
"How? We don't even know where they took them." Evil-elf sat up to see Harry and the marauders looking mournfully at the battlefield covered with puddles of makeup and lost bracelets. She sneezed and Peter looked over toward her.  
  
"Hey! Someone's over there!" The five ran over to her as she stood up.  
  
"They're inside" she said pointing to the wall. "We need to save them now, before they give up!" The small group ran over to the brick wall.  
  
"It was nice to know you Harry" James said as he looked at his son. "Keep up with quidditch." Harry nodded and the psychiatrist tapped her wand against the wall. The bricks moved to form an entrance and they quietly crept inside and behind the bar. Peter foot made a creaking sound as they crawled and the psychiatrist looked back to hush him. She looked up over the bar to see the older Sirius glaring at the head of the fangirls. She had red hair. She had freckles. She was a Weasley. Evil- elf looked back down to see James, Sirius, Remus, Peter and Harry looking at her determinedly, waiting for a plan. She put a finger to her mouth to show that they needed to be as quiet as possible.  
  
"As you see, I am the leader of the fangirls. It's all my revenge against Harry, who should have been here tonight for not even noticing me."  
  
"Then why are we here?" older Remus asked.  
  
"Because ya'll want to stop my friends. As you see I brought them here using the same computer that we will use to torture you. To them, this is all a fanfiction and this is nothing, but fragments of some girl's imagination, but now you are real enough and we will win this war."  
  
"Who made the computer?"  
  
"It was some project that Hermione was working on. I stole it. She was always a good friend of Harry's, which makes her and enemy. Revenge is sweet." Ron looking as he naturally does because his disguise came off in the rain, stared at his sister with a look of betrayal on his face. Ginny looked at him evilly before switching on the computer. With a pop the tied up group disappeared onto the unknown. Evil-elf looked back at the marauders and Harry.  
  
"We're too late," Remus muttered. They stayed there and gravely tried to think of a plan as the fangirls slowly left the pub saying their 'good byes' and 'see ya'll tomorrows.'  
  
"We were too late for them," Sirius repeated as he crawled toward the exit in defeat. Evil-elf reached out and grabbed him on the shoulder.  
  
"We can not give up!" she said angrily. "We have to go in after them."  
  
"Don't you have an appointment tomorrow?" Harry asked.  
  
"Tomorrow night, but we should be done finding them by then."  
  
"I can get some help from Hermione, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, the Creeveys and Dumbledore if he's not in another meeting with inanimate objects" Harry offered. Evil-elf looked at the group. They all looked determined to help. She smiled.  
  
"Lets go hunt some fangirls!" Sirius and James cheered. They stood up and walked toward the computer. It was much larger then any other computer that the psychiatrist had ever seen. She and Remus sat in the two chairs in front of it and slowly figured out how to work it. With a click of a button they disappeared to save Hot Stuff Incorporated from their worst fears. 


	11. Torture Chambers

Ahhh! Another chapter! Almost forgot the Author note... Well my cyberspace is like a big house. Hope its original! Have fun reading and if you want to read some more clean humor stuff, my sister AK.A From the Silent Planet has some really funny stories. Well to the replies!  
  
Destiny13: Thank you! Hope you have a good laugh!  
  
Fireblade K'Chona: (snickers evilly) More fangirls!!!! Mwahahaha!  
  
ash vault rose garden: He can stay there for now. It serves him right!  
  
Chapter 11...  
  
The marauders, Harry and psychiatrist materialized in a dark, round room. A small light in the middle shone upon the doors covering the walls. Peter let out a cry and hid behind James. The psychiatrist shushed him as she approached one of the doors.  
  
Snape ran and ran. His feet grew tired and he started tripping over them. He looked down at the floor, which was covered in mud. Realizing his new shoes were dirty, he shrieked. "Must keep running! Don't give into fangirls," he muttered to himself. There was a wall in front of him. He was cornered. With his heart pounding, he stopped and looked behind him. He was behind him. Yes, running after golden-headed Snape was greasy, smelly, dirty Snape. He let out a sob.  
  
"There is no hope for us..." greasy Snape said, but was interrupted.  
  
"I will never join you!"  
  
"If you only knew the power of the greasy side. The psychiatrist never truly helped you with your grease problem."  
  
"She helped me enough. She told me how to wash the grease out."  
  
"No Snape, I am you. Search your heart, you know this to be true."  
  
"No, NOOOOOO!"  
  
"Together we can rule the wizarding world as grease and Snape!"  
  
"Nooooooo." Snape sunk to the ground in defeat.  
  
Two doors down from the greasy and muddy Snapes, Ronald Weasley was facing his own problems.  
  
"I seeee youuuuu!" Ron stared in horror at the twenty-foot spider towering over him. Suddenly when he finally found his voice, he let out a scream.  
  
"Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!"  
  
"All I want is a huggy wuggy from my favorite Weasley!" Ron's eyes bugged out as he continued screaming. He turned around to start running, but was faced with something not as frightening as spiders, but close up there.  
  
"Hey little boys and girls! Hehehe! Welcome to the house of terror!" Now Mickey Mouse was not a nine-foot zombie or a banshee or a relatively scary thing, but to Ron Weasley, Mickey Mouse was the worse it could get, except spiders.  
  
Down the hall and through the right door in the world of cyberspace, Remus Lupin rocked back and forth on a rocking chair. There was defiantly something bad going to happen any minute. He rocked faster just waiting for it. Any minute... What was going on? Wasn't he going to morph into a bloodthirsty wolf or be attacked by a giant mustache? He let out a shiver. He hated mustaches. Maybe he was going to see his friends die... Still nothing came. He rocked faster, hating the anticipation, almost wishing that something bad would happen. He closed his eyes tightly and waited while rocking.  
  
Percy, Percy was everywhere. A door down from Remus Lupin, Fred and George sat in a small room, surrounded by thousands of Percys all talking at once.  
  
"Cauldron bottom leaks are very common when..."  
  
"and thus the reason goblins are not to be given the same privileges as humans."  
  
"Speaking proper English..." Fred and George both let out long and piercing screams.  
  
Three doors down and to the left, Sirius sat on the floor with a grin on his face. The dying Lily, James, Harry and Remus let out angry sighs and they reenacted their deaths again and again. It seemed that nothing would break Sirius, even the deaths of his best friends. Suddenly he heard two voices from above.  
  
"Lets put him in the room with Severus Snape!" Sirius let out a scream.  
  
"No, lets send Barney on him!"  
  
"Ooooh that always gets them!" A third voice joined the group.  
  
"Lets send a group of fangirls on him!"  
  
"Yeehaaa!" The walls opened up and a hundred fangirls came running in and after Sirius who was swiftly speeding away.  
  
Two halls away in a brightly colored room, Oliver Wood sat on a cyber couch with a dead look on his face. On his leg was a giant cast and beside him was a letter.  
  
Dear Oliver Wood,  
  
Due to your recent quidditch accident, you are no longer going to be able to play quidditch on the Puddlemore United team. Your spot as Keeper has been filled by Marcus Flint, an excellent Keeper with skills you did not possess. We are grieved that we had to cut you lose so early in your career, but as there is no other way...  
  
Sincerely The Puddlemore United Team  
  
Charlie Weasley sat in a room five doors down and three staircases up from Oliver's. All around him were bunnies and fluffy woodland creatures. Behind him and singing about a prince was Snow White. Horror music played in his head. This, to him was worse then listening to Percy. A butterfly flew over and landed on his red hair... Why couldn't there be spiders?  
  
A staircase down... Harry catches the snitch! Gryffindor wins again! Harry catches the snitch! Gryffindor wins again! Harry catches the snitch... Draco let out a howl of pain. The quidditch scene faded in front of him. He was in a desert. Flamingoes were dying all around him. He sunk to the ground and cried. In the midst of dying flamingoes, Harry stood, laughing manically.  
  
"Noooo! Go away you flamingo killer!"  
  
"Aw! Is poor little Draco jealous of Harry's mightiness? Harry is always going to beat Draco in everything."  
  
"You lie!"  
  
"Hahahaha! Now Draco, you will meet your doom with all your little flamingo friends!"  
  
"Nooooo! Kill me, but not the flamingoes!"  
  
"You might as well give up Draco, it's the end for you!"  
  
Deep in the basement of cyberspace, Harry sat, chained to a wall, with dementors dancing around him. They were wearing pink and they were singing as they danced. Up on a throne, which the dementors were dancing around sat their fat, lazy king. Dudley Dursley sat on his throne, which amazing held him. Trying to not faint, Harry looked up and watched his fat cousin as if begging him to set him free. Dudley just laughed psychotically as he munched on an ice-cream sandwich.  
  
"I hate you Bill! Why don't you just curl up and die!" On the fifteenth floor of cyberspace, Bill cowered in front of his half-veela girlfriend Fleur.  
  
"But, what did I do Fleur!"  
  
"Don't you ask me that you little swine!"  
  
"But..."  
  
Last, but well, actually least, Tom Riddle sat in a bright pink room with little children sitting beside him calling him their hero. All that needs to be said was Tom didn't like it very much. 


	12. Kill the Cartoons!

Yes it's a short chapter. Azkaban is almost out!!! Please review!  
  
Chapter 12  
  
As the psychiatrist gently laid her hand on the large door, she disappeared with a pop and a lot of lime green smoke...or she wished she had. In reality, or cyber reality or in total non-reality she pushed open the door to see...  
  
"Mwahahaha! You are too late! I am once again Snape the greasy, ugly and smelly. Snape the greasy potions teacher is back!" In a blink of an eye, several things happened. Sirius and James jumped into the dirt and grease filled room carrying a fire hose and with a terrifying battle cry, washed the entire room of the disgusting filth. The sopping wet Snape looked at his sopping wet and clean clothes in horror and fell to the ground and looked through the convenient drain in the middle of the room muttering something like "Father."  
  
The psychiatrist, Harry and the marauders dragged the wet potions teacher into the hall and to the door two doors down. After opening it the seven let out screams of terror and backed away. Ron was in the middle of the room with random Disney cartoons running around him. Each character was singing a different Disney song from their movie or show. Snape let out a battle cry and jumped into the room grabbing Ron by the collar and swung him around, knocking down the Fairy Godmother, Captian Hook and Mulan. The marauders and Harry watched Snape in surprise.  
  
"Charge!!!" cried the psychiatrist and the six remaining in the hall pulled out their wands and attacked. In a blur of spells and cartoon mallets the psychiatrist's team won the fight with only miner injuries. Sirius Black had a black eye from being attacked by Snow White, who had an impossibly large mallet; Ronald Weasley didn't feel good after being used to wipe out half the cartoon community, James Potter had a bleeding nose and Remus Lupin complained that his foot was throbbing from being stepped on by a talking elephant who claimed to be an extra from Lion King.  
  
Finally they were free from the cartoon characters and running down the hall screaming. The Psychiatrist saw a door and pushed it open, dragging the others into the room. She heard a scream and jumped. Hiding behind a rocking chair, with his wand out was the older Remus Lupin. Once noticing who the eight were, he let out a sigh of relief...and fainted. While they were trying to wake the former defense against the dark arts teacher, some of the other poor souls escaped from their torture chambers.  
  
Tom and Harry found themselves crawling down the extremely large cyber pipes in the world of cyberspace, trying to find a way out. Tom had put a body bind curse on all the little kids and escaped to open a random door that was Harry's torture chamber. After killing Dudley, the two ran screaming from the attacking dementors until the somehow found themselves here, in the pipes.  
  
"Are we there yet?" Harry asked for the something hundredth time while following the dark lord.  
  
"No, we are NOT!" growled the aggravated Tom Riddle.  
  
"How do you know?" Tom Riddle pulled out his wand and pointed to the bottom of the pipe he was crawling in. With a loud noise and bright light, the pipe blew apart and Harry and Tom tumbled out, they were sure that they were going to die.  
  
The others continued to suffer because of the fangirl's cruel and evil ways. 


	13. Two Harrys, the Shortest Update

Wow an update!!! Well no, that two Harry Potters thing was not an accident. Sorry for not updating in forever. Our computer is barely surviving, so there might not be one for a long while after this. Though I really wouldn't call this much of an update. I'm not going to be answering reviews today because right now I can't get online and word at the same time or the computer totally dies and I'll have to start the thing up again. I do promise that I will stick to this crazy and random story AND I plan to write a sequel called...... Ah you'll just have to keep reading. Enjoy, the next chapter will be more then two pages long.  
  
I don't own a thing.  
  
The next chapter that is extremely short, like a hobbit.  
  
Harry and Tom plummeted down into the darkness of what they were sure was never ending. Harry, who had been tightly closing his eyes for the last ten minutes, heard a yell of surprise from the future dark lord. A bright light was rushing towards them. As they got closer they started to see trees, grass and what seemed to be Charlie Weasley sneaking up on one Snow White with a branch in his hand. Hearing the two scream, Charlie looked up. Seconds later, Tom Riddle and Ginny Weasley were on the floor  
  
Snape the once greasy, ugly and smelly and now wet, growled an angry, loud growl as the marauders and occasionally the older Lupin continued to talk about the good old pranking days. To add to the poor potions master's bad day, Ronald Weasley was whistling loudly and off tune beside him. The real and one and only Harry Potter was standing in front of the group complaining about his life to the extremely annoyed Hogwarts' psychiatrist.  
  
"And Aunt Petunia always makes me eat peanut butter and jelly. I hate jelly. I always think of slugs. It now reminds me of the time Ron backfired a spell and ended up burping slugs. Its so disgusting, but I can't argue about it or Dudley gets my sandwich and I'll go hungry. Oh did you know that Dudley's middle name is Dempsey. That would make his full name Dudley Dempsey Dursley. Who on earth names their kid that?"  
  
"Harry go play with Snape," the psychiatrist growled through clenched teeth.  
  
"Well actually Dudley has a friend named Piers Parnell Polkiss..." Suddenly the group stopped talking as they heard a voice coming from above them.  
  
"No! Not the flamingoes!" 


End file.
